Philippians 3:14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
3:14
Most people would look at that number and associate it with the mathematical term Pi. For me for many years though it was the numbers of my digital clock, glaring at me in the darkness.
After my second bout of depression, this was the time I woke up at in the early hours of the morning. At first I thought I was imagining it but as the days and weeks went on, the realisation set in-I was waking up at this time every morning.
It was like a jolt. Suddenly I would be wide awake and my eyes were automatically drawn to the clock, hoping and praying I would see a different number, but no, there it was…3:14.
Why am I bringing this up now you may ask. It’s simple really. It’s back! It’s almost like an old friend who you haven’t seen in awhile turning up on your doorstep. It doesn’t scare me or make me feel that I’m staring into the dark place that is depression again. It’s more like a warning. Like when the petrol light flashes on your dashboard- you haven’t run out of petrol yet but you will if you don’t do anything about it.
At the moment we are living in very strange times. There is fear and uncertainty and there seems no end to the virus I spoke of in my last post. Many people are in despair, losing jobs, loved ones, missing friends, homeschooling….I could write an endless list.
3:14….I know that just like that petrol light, if I don’t do anything, that number will become an all too familiar sight. It is no coincidence that the Bible verse I’ve included has 3:14 in the reference. As someone close to me reminded me tonight, there is always someone in a worse situation than yourself. Reading this verse it brought to mind my purpose as a believer and follower of Christ. I have to keep going every day with His help and press on towards the goal set before me. My life is not my own but His. It was paid for on Calvary. As my pastor says, we are saved to serve. So my purpose is to press on and serve and glorify Him and I encourage you to do the same.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
In the early hours of Saturday 9th May, I looked in the bathroom mirror and did not recognise myself. After a few days of thinking a chest infection was working on me, I feared it was more serious…Covid 19. I looked grey and my lips were blue. When I told the nurse on the other end of the phone that I felt I was going to pass out, she told me to put the phone down immediately and dial 999.
It’s only the 2nd time I’ve been in an ambulance…but this time I was the patient. Thankfully I live 10 minutes away from a hospital but the journey felt like forever. All sorts of things were going through my head…what if it’s Covid?…will I see my boys again?…what about my family?…what about all the places I’d never been or things I’d not yet done with my boyfriend?…would I come out of hospital alive or in a box?
Deep down I knew that God was with me and I knew He would give me peace that passeth all understanding. I was taken into a room and my obs were taken as well as an X-ray and of course I was tested for the virus. Soon I was told I had pneumonia and so I was hooked up to a drip and required oxygen before being moved to a room on the Covid ward.
This was a hospital I was familiar with. I’d visited friends and relatives and even taken the Squid there for broken arms and fingers, but now, it looked alien to me. All the members of staff were ladened down with PPE and the usually busy corridors were deserted as I was moved upstairs.
After a peaceful night a doctor saw me in the afternoon and confirmed I’d pneumonia which required antibiotics but I would still have to wait 24 hours to find out if I’d tested positive.
…And it was… On the Lord’s Day I received the news I was dreading. I was moved down to a bigger ward where my treatment would continue for a further 2 days.
Most of the time I slept, waking only for nurses to take my obs and to attempt to eat. My phone was my lifeline. My boyfriend had driven my mum to the hospital to drop off things I needed. My mum phoned me to check which ward I was in. This distressed me. Knowing they were both so close and under normal circumstances could have visited but this pandemic has done away with normal.
Texts, Whattsapp and Messenger were how I communicated with others. As a Christian, prayer is a major part of my life. I talk to my Heavenly Father numerous times throughout the day and I knew I had an army of prayer warriors available to me as a member of God’s family. Many, many prayed for me and still are. Loved ones, family, friends, colleagues, my church family, other churches and even other believers from around the globe. As I look back over the abundance of communications I received, I am overwhelmed by the live and kindness shown towards me and I am humbled.
Many sent Scriptures like the one I started with and these were so comforting at such a time as this. Others phoned and prayed with me, but there were many late night chats that really encouraged me.
On Tuesday 12th May I was to be sent home as I no longer required hospital care. I looked at the nurse bewildered and asked her how I would get home? She replied that whoever picked me up would have to self isolate for 2 weeks like myself. I almost cried as I told her that I lived alone, my father was ill, I had no siblings and I couldn’t put anyone else at risk. So I prayed again and a little while later was wheeled out of the ward to claps from the staff risking their lives daily. As I entered the corridor I could feel the fresh air and it felt good. The ambulance dropped me at my front door. What now?
I can honestly say I’ve never felt as sorry for myself as I did at that moment. I was weak, exhausted, still coughing, still on antibiotics, still ill. How was I going to cope?
God knew I needed strength to change my bed, clean my bathroom, put on some washing and begin cleaning the house. That night as I lay in bed thanking the Lord for coming out of hospital alive and breathing fresh air, the words of an old hymn came to mind. The 3rd verse says-: “He is not a disappointment! He is all in all to me- Saviour, Sanctifier, Keeper; The unchanging Christ is He! He has won my heart’s affections, And He meets my every need; He is not a disappointment, For He satisfies indeed.”
Over the next week, ladies from my church family provided me with lunches and dinners(and desserts😊). Cards arrived in the post, shopping was done and my lawns and hedges tended to. Every need I had was met and more. I was reminded by the Lord again of the passage in Matthew 6:26-34 where Jesus speaks of how God looks after the birds of the air and yet we are of more value than they. In the same passage He tells us not to worry because it doesn’t do anything for us.
Over the next 2 weeks I found myself telling others that I was getting my strength daily from the Lord. In Exodus 17, the Israelites were in battle. When Moses held his arms up, the battle went in their favour but when his arms tired and dropped, they began to lose. God had gone before them. Aaron and Hur stood with Moses. When his arms tired, they held them up. Wow!!!! When I didn’t have the strength to look after myself, God had gone before me and provided others to help me.
I also remembered the words of a man in our church prayer meeting. -God’s not done with me yet. That’s what I firmly believe, He has something yet for me to do in this world I don’t call home, that I’m just passing through.
“Mummy, do you know some people call Christmas-Xmas? That is just like taking Christ out of Christmas. I don’t like it.” These were the words spoken by the Ginger Kitten a few days before he finished school.
I was so pleased to hear him speak these words at such a young age. He realises the importance of the word and what it means to us believers at this time of year.
It can be a huge trigger for many, especially those who suffer from depression like myself or who have other physical/mental illnesses. I was determined this year not to dip as low as I had last year.
I am a facilitator for WRAP which is a recovery program. Wellness Recovery Action Plan. It is something I’ve done for around five years now and which I’m quite passionate about as anyone I’ve spoken to on the subject will know.
WRAP allows an individual to plan for situations which may trigger off a period in which they are unwell. Christmas as I said can be such a trigger.
So how did I plan? I wrote lists – lists of who was going to receive a present and what it was. I made a lot of presents this year, and that in itself helped me in a therapeutic way. I looked at who was coming to dinner and when which also helped with shopping. I rested. I took time out instead of running around like a headless chicken. I breathed – I downloaded an app to help me breathe and sleep and…I spent time with those I love.
All of this planning helped a lot but so did the love and support of those close to me. I belong to a small family but we are close and always there for one another.
This Christmas I was privileged to spend many happy times with another family. Not everyone shares these experiences. However, at this time of year we remember how Jesus left His Father and was born into a family here on earth. Family is important to God. He never intended us to live alone. He created the family unit to provide love and support and to make each day easier as we help each other practically too. I am also a member of God’s family. I am a daughter of the King and there are so many brothers and sisters in Christ for whom I am truly grateful who added to the joy I experienced this season.
There was a lot of fun this Christmas. Fun being off work, fun trying new things, fun seeing my boys open their presents, fun with family, fun going out for the day and fun making memories together.
Celebrating my faith, spending time with loved ones all have given me hope for the year ahead. But as 1 Corinthians 13:13 says:
“And now abide faith, hope and love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”
Love has been evident to me this Christmas. God loved me so much that He let His only Son come to earth and be born in a lowly stable. Jesus left Heaven knowing one day He would die on a cross for my sins. So as I go through 2020 I want love to be more evident in my life as I live each day for Him and His glory.
Today in the UK we are celebrating our fathers, grandfathers, fathers in law and father figures in general. I was intrigued to know how this tradition began. It seems to have come from across the pond in the US where in 1910, a young woman was inspired during a mothers’ day sermon to honour her father.
I am fortunate to have my father or daddy as I call him, still with me. I realise there are many today who will visit graves to remember the father they once had.
My daddy called me his princess on my wedding day and of course it made me cry. What girl wouldn’t? When I was a baby, he used to sit at the bottom of my cot to check I was breathing. At 3, he taught me how to swim, taking away any fear of the water and making it fun. At school I shed many tears over maths homework’s and my daddy always knew how to solve those equations. When my first boyfriend dumped me, my daddy was there to hug his princess. When I started driving, he would always stay awake until I came in at night and as a student he wrote the most heartfelt letters, phoned everyday and often drove to the main postal office in Belfast to ensure I got an envelope with money the very next day…
Those are just some of the examples of the things my daddy has done for me over my lifetime. Of course there are other things I have learned from my dad and acquired from him.
He is not afraid to show his emotions. He worked hard all his life and instilled this work ethic in me. He loves reading, a passion we both share. You can overcome adversity. When you do something, you give it 100%. Family comes first, love conquers all and that we all need God in our life.
Sadly, not everyone can relate to this important man in my life. Not everyone has a loving father or one who is interested in them or who will do anything for them. There are those who may read this who have never had a father figure in their life. There are those who may have had an abusive father or have been abandoned by him at some point in their lives. Or maybe like my boys, the relationship between parents has broken down…
I often think about the effect on my two boys. The Squid is older and has more knowledge of what went on before I finally left the family home. He is a deep thinker and a worrier. Usually you can see it on his face. He’s been angry and sad about what has happened. The important thing is to let him talk about it. To try and see it through his eyes and of course, pray with him and for him.
The Ginger Kitten is a different story. He was so tiny when we broke up , nothing really was said. The transition is equally difficult for him as it is for the rest of us, but through time hopefully he will have more of an understanding of the whys and wherefore.
Looking for love after divorce is difficult for most. I am no exception. As someone who was used to putting the needs of others first before her own, it comes as no surprise to me that quite often when I’ve spoken about the type of man I’m looking for, I think about how ‘he’ will meet the needs of my boys. Looking for love for me isn’t just about me. I have 2 little people too. They come along with the emotional baggage we divorcees trail behind us.
My boys need a spiritual leader first and foremost. I tried to fulfil this role for many years but do believe a man should be the spiritual leader in the home. They need someone who puts family first, who is interested in the small stuff as well as the bigger issues. Someone who takes time to talk with them about what is important in their life and spend time with them. Someone who loves their mother and works with her to train them up in the way they should go. Is this just a pipe dream? Definitely not. Such men do exist.
In Psalm 68:5-6 we can see how every family derives it’s name from the Father and God the Father is the model for headship in our families.
“A father of the fatherless,
A defender of windows,
Is God in His holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families;
He brings out those who are bound into prosperity;
But the rebellious dwell in a dry land.”
All of us can have an experience with our Heavenly Father. All of us have a relationship with Him, either one where we can accept him as a father or one where we are rebellious and not accepting of his love and grace or anything else he is willing to bestow on us.
So this Fathers’ Day think not only of your earthly father but of a Heavenly one who loves you with an everlasting love.
I love journaling and I loved writing in my diary as a teenager before they were called journals here in the UK, so I thought I’d give this blogging thing a go.
Why ‘Journey to Joy’? The last few years haven’t been easy. There have been more experiences in valleys which almost felt like underground caverns at times than those on the hilltop. However, through it all I have had a faithful companion – Jesus – my Saviour, my Redeemer, my Jehovah Jireh. You can’t get better than that.
With it being a new year our church held a series of prayer meetings. It’s been happening a few years now and this year I wanted to make a special effort to be there – even if it meant bringing Squid and the Ginger Kitten (my boys). I truly believe the prayer meeting is the powerhouse of the church and we have an army of faithful prayer warriors in our fellowship. Just sitting, in the stillness, listening as they boldly approach the throne of grace is indeed a blessing in itself.
So back to the question- that first night of prayer there was an opportunity to share how God had been working in 2018. Of course, I felt the poking on my shoulder of the Holy Spirit, saying, “Go on, tell them about joy,” So, for once, I obeyed the prompting of the comforter.
You see I lost my joy around 13 years ago. I had a very much wanted and longed for baby boy who himself had been an answer to my prayers and cries unto the Lord. But the enemy had crept in at the last minute and robed me with the cloak of Post Natal Depression and therefore robbed me of my joy on this monumental occasion.
Fast forward to 2018 and the Lord has an important lesson to teach me and I’m so thankful that He did. He brought my smile back and He taught me that joy is not just a feeling or emotion but an attitude – it’s up to me and you whether to choose it or not.
So dear reader, I’m asking you to join me on this Journey to Joy with me.
Psalm 94:19 (Holman Christian Standard Bible)
When I am filled with cares, Your comfort brings me joy.
Today in the UK we are celebrating our fathers, grandfathers, fathers in law and father figures in general. I was intrigued to know how this tradition began. It seems to have come from across the pond in the US where in 1910, a young woman was inspired during a mothers’ day sermon to honour her father.
Journey to Joy 